The Secrets That Haunt My Soul
by bauer05
Summary: "Confession is always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets, and takes its own punishment in silence" - Dorothy Dix. A collection of oneshots delving into the depths of Stevie Baskara's mind. Focuses on self-harm, depression and suicidal tendencies. DISCONTINUED
1. Alone

**Hey guys,**

**Bauer05 here! I know. I know. Long time no see. However, I recently stumbled across 'How To Rock' on TV (Okay, so maybe I was 'stalking' Max Schneider, but that's beside the point) and I fell in love the character ****_Stevie_****. So due to the fact that I haven't uploaded a new story I have decided to write a 'story' that is 30 chapters long. Each chapter written poetically which is a new writing style for me so bear with it and hopefully as the story progresses so will my poetry skills.**

**Enjoy the first chapter and don't forget to comment, favourite and follow this story. Constructive criticism is always welcome.**

**Thanks**

**- Bauer05 :)**

I am alone.

The moon shines bright in the sky with its fellow stars dancing in joyous leaps and twists.

And I am alone.

The lone wolf in the crowd.

The Omega.

The girl who people see but do not see.

The girl whose thoughts and feelings are concealed from this world.

You think you know me.

But you do not.

I am alone.

And alone I shall stay.

Weeping silently into the night as my soul blackens.

My humanity is almost dead.

With every silent shriek of pain, I die more inside.

Loneliness is not friendless.

For I have friends.

Yet I am alone.

So alone.


	2. Pity

**Don't forget to comment, favourite and follow :)**

**Constructive criticism is always welcome :)**

**Special thanks to HTRobsessed for reviewing, it really made my day :)**

You look at me with your prying eyes.

Analysing and judging my every move.

My lack of beauty disturbs you.

I do not care.

Do I?

No.

I can't.

I wont!

Every step I take is looked upon.

Not with envy.

Pity.

Why, I do not know.

Perhaps, my exterior that hides the pain you inflict has cracked.

No, that can't be it.

Not once since the moment I came here has it cracked.

Maybe it's the way they talk at me.

Useless.

Silent.

Pathetic.

Pity me you may.

But I do not need it.

For you do not intimidate me.


	3. Shame

**Hey guys,**

**Bauer05 here. I am so sorry for the long wait.**

**As always enjoy this chapter and a friendly reminder to comment, favourite and follow.**

**Constructive criticism is always welcome :)**

**Happy Reading**

Shame

The feeling that burns deep within me

Every drop of humiliation sparks the dreadful sensation

Every punch

Every kick

Every time you taint my body

And every time you corrupt my soul

Shame is all that I feel

Every time you lay your hands on me

Forcing yourself upon me

Screaming in glory as I scream in horror

I feel myself slowly giving in to your presence

You are my master

I am your puppet

Lying lifeless as you take away my one true gift

My innocence...

*** Quick note: Rating may be changing within the next chapters depending on how dark they turn out.**


	4. Tomas

*** Rating has changed due to mentions of domestic violence, sexual and alcohol abuse. Don't say that I didn't warn you!**

**As always, don't forget to review, follow and favourite. Constructive criticism is always welcome.**

**Happy reading**

**-Bauer05 :)**

How could you?

You hurt, steal and shatter all the time

All the light that was once there is now replaced by darkness

So cold

So piercingly evil

Every time I see your face I see no longer the boy you once were

Instead I see a cruel, cold-hearted monster

A monster who stole my innocence

Who beat me until I was close enough to death I could taste it

The one who I had trusted in most

The one who I had confided all my best and worst secrets

You walk towards me

Yellowing teeth bared like sharp fangs

Your eyes wild and demented

The warmth in your eyes and the youth in your looks gone

The very face of insanity

I plead for your mercy today

You raise your arm and I feel the almost unbearable sting of your slap

You clutch my face and whisper teasingly in my ear

Not today sweet pea

Your breath reeks of cigarettes and alcohol

And I stifle a stray sob as you begin to unbuckle your pants

How could you?

Rape and abuse your own family!

I once saw you as my hero

My prince charming!  
>My knight in shining armour!<p>

You may be my brother by blood

But you are not my brother in my heart

You are my prison, Tomas

And you have me trapped!


	5. Why?

*** Contains curse words**

**Woohoooo! My longest chapter yet...aaanndd saddest!**

**As always remember to review, follow and favourite, constructive criticism is always welcome :)**

**Happy Reading**

**-Bauer05 :)**

I walk alone down the empty streets

Drowning in my despair and helplessness

Betrayed by own flesh and blood

Mummy, why do you watch on?

Why do you laugh is Tomas hits me and rapes me?

Daddy, why did you leave me here?

Why did you turn your back on me when I needed you most?

Tomas, why do you do the things you do to me?

Is it because you long for the one thing you haven't got?

My brothers, why are you so hateful and cruel?

What possessed you to turn your backs on family?

I know that I am vulnerable

I know that I am weak

Pathetic and useless

This family is built up on foundation of lies

Beautiful on the outside

But ugly and twisted on the inside

You ask me constantly why I am the way I am

I never answer because you already know

You know that you are all the reason why I am so fucked up on the inside!

Why I wake screaming and crying from the night terrors!

Why I crave love yet flinch away from the mere thought!

Why I have become an empty shell that is only a fragment of what it used to be!

I want to rip your limbs of you one by on

I want to make you watch as I skin you alive

I want to hate you for what you have done to me

But I can't

My own heart forces me to love you all unconditionally

Despite all you have done

My heart still clings on to the past

All of those good times

They are my comfort

My anchor to my sanity

They will be my undoing


	6. Authors Note

Hey guys,

I know I haven't uploaded a new chapter in awhile. Don't worry I'm still writing this story.

However, I haven't been able to work on this as much due to exams, assignments, work and training for nationals + club sport finals.

If you guys are interested I have recently written a oneshot for the** 'Ruby Red'** trilogy by **Kerstin Gier.** I also recommend reading this trilogy as it is absolutely amazing! But guys, please read** 'Red Kisses'** and give me some mush needed feedback, this particular story has a comedic element to it which is new and exciting to write with. Once againI am so sorry for not uploading anything to 'The Secrets That Haunt My Soul' for a while but it will be returning soon!

Thanks guys,

-Bauer05


	7. Love

**Hey guys, it's Bauer05 here,**

**I'm back! I apologise for not updating for a long, long time! But school holidays have started and I have 6 weeks left of freedom to write! Your prayers have been answered and although this one is short in comparison to other chapters it is Zevie centred, enjoy :)**

I love you

There I said it

Do you hate me now?

How could you?

You don't even know that I do

You don't know how you make me happy

The laugh lines in the corner of your eyes

The dimples in your cheeks as you smile

The twinkling melody that erupts from your mouth as you laugh

The way you say my name

You never fail to make my day

Taking all of my pain away until I feel normal again

As normal as I could ever feel

But you could never love me back

I am a broken girl with a destructive past

I would be too needy

Too scared and held back to give you what you need

My love for you remains a secret

And a secret it shall stay

**Don't forget to rate, comment, follow and favourite, constructive criticism is always welcome :) I am also thinking of writing a oneshot for either ****_Tyler _****from****_ 'Dog with a Blog'_****, ****_Oliver _****from****_ 'Mighty Med'_**** or ****_Zander _****from****_ 'How to Rock'_****. There will be a poll up on my profile so please vote and if you have any other idea's please feel free to PM me :)**


	8. Authors Note DISCONTINUED

Hey guys,

Its been a long while I know! Basically, if you haven't figured it out already this story has been discontinued :(

I feel as though it is necessary for me to explain why as I owe it to you guys.

When I was writing this story I was in a very dark place. Though I haven't experienced what Stevie has in this story I was dealing with issues of my own which showcased in my writing (dark and depressing). I was struggling with my sexuality and gender identity issues as well as anxiety. I am a lot happier now and have come to terms with who I am and though this story has been relatively successful in my fan fiction career I no longer feel as if I can write it in a way that will cause the same reactions as previous chapters. _However, _I would love to fulfil any prompts that anyone has for me in any fandom (comment or PM me ) and I will keep on writing other stories. Once again I am so sorry about this and I hope you all understand.

Bye

-Bauer05


End file.
